based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
