just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
