never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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