I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
