Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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