i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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