i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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