for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
