My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
