Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
