i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
