dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
