Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
