I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
