i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize