my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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