I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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