I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
