I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
