I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
