after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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