Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
