He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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