Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
