I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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