I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
