I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am midnight drunk by noon
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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