So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
