census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
