Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize