I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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