I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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