if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
