I'm so fucking centered right now
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
