Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize