if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
