The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
