I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
