So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't talk, ducks in the car
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
