i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
