why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
