We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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