I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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