new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
