your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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