you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
