I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize