someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
