im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
