Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
