OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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