Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
