Do you still have your period?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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