you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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