When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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