i just snorted my name. best moment ever
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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