there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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