I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
