not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
