I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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