dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
