I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize