Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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