I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
