My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
