I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
