He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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